Sirius is scaring me. Really. He keeps looking like he wants to kill me, then his face changes so quickly I think I must have imagined it. He starts joking around like his normal self and I forget about it, until it happens again. Earlier in History of Magic he kept looking over at me with this really bloody evil smile on his face every time Binns described hideous deaths during the Goblin Rebellions. It was off-putting enough that Sirius was actually awake during History of Magic, let alone the frighteningly good time he was obviously having.

Then after I'd been hit by a bludger during Quidditch practice, he was far too amused by the blood pouring out of my arm. He was cackling like a bleeding lunatic! Even Moony and Wormtail noticed it that time. Perhaps he needs to see Madam Pomfrey...

I know this is about what happened with Moony -- no-one wants to kill a mate over a few exploding fruits in a toilet. That was just funny - their faces were priceless! It really pisses me off, actually, that he's angry about Remus. It wasn't my bloody fault! He started it! Not me! Fucking Moony and his fucking fabulous tongue.

I may have to confront him, this needs to stop. Then maybe we can talk about it. Who am I kidding? More than likely we'll duel like proper blokes. Over Sirius' maiden fair. Ha. As if I'd ever do anything to hurt him deliberately, the tosser.

Evans smiled at me today. Evans. Though she stopped when she realised it was me. But she smiled at me and she can't take it back!


__________________________________________________________________________

Sirius Black is a fucking nutter. He attacked me. Outside in the grounds. Pushed me in the fucking lake and proceeded to try and drown me. I'm still coughing up the murky, fucking shitty water. I love that fucking brilliant wanker. I feel so much better now, after we've had our tussle. Even though I've two lovely black eyes, a frightfully swollen nose (which is still prettier than Snivellus' BY FAR, no matter what that wanker says) and murky fucking water leaking out my ears, nose and mouth. I've also a giant hickey like thing on my arse, but that's from the Giant Squid's tentacle grabbing me. At least I hope it is. I love him even though our fight caused Evans to call me a 'monosyllabic cave-dweller'. Sirius is my best mate who doesn't secretly plot to murder me while I sleep, and Lily Evans thinks I'm a complete and utter pillock. Ah universe -- you always find a way to right yourself.

Tags: james journal

James is such a bloo-

I can't BELIEVE he just did that! He put the bloody exploding figs in the bleeding toilets! And all because he can't keep his lips off my bloody boyfriend and we can't let him see us fighting or he'll get mad again and maybe return to keeping his stupid, chapped, incorrigible, AMAZING lips to himself. Not as if it matters bec-

I really wish Moony would stop sneaking around and closing the door all soft, and wait...

Phoo. That was close. Must remember to be quicker with the cover when there are people around. Remus can't find out I'm writing in this. I'll never hear the end of it. And then even Pete will be manlier than I am. For Godric's sake. But it might help though if Remus wouldn't bloody APPEAR out of THIN AIR. We haven't even learned to apparate yet, and I have the hearing of a kneazle. How is he DOING that?

Whatever, I only have to keep an eye out when I'm writing. He'll never find this any other time. Sirius Black, you are a genius, and not just because you thought up that way to have Snape hex HIMSELF. Well, maybe that contributed. And it was almost worth it to get up to something fun again. Brooding has it's merits, but even if I do want to string James' traitorous bloody entrails from the stairwell, it's better to get out. And the closer I stay to him the better my chances of finding a way to kill him.

I think I'll go do that now.

Ah! Spent the whole time buzzing around Evans so I couldn't get a clear shot. Like he DOESN'T want to be hexed to death or something. Wanker deserves it anyway! I don't care what he says, he KNEW Remus was upset and he TOOK ADVANTAGE of him! And then he had the gall to complain that I wasn't a proper mate! And when I tried to dole out his punishment he refused to take it like a man! Went running out into the common room like some bird. Probably going to hide behind Evans. EVANS IS MORE OF A MAN THAN HIM!

It's dishonourable the way he carried on. Doesn't he know that there's a code for those sorts of things. The offended party gets his revenge! But no, in this instance the offended party only got MANHANDLED by his bloody boyfriend and TIED UP in front of EVERYONE in the common room! James Potter is a disgrace. And now I hate him even more for making me agree with my BROTHER about something. The ungulate is going to DIE. I promise.

Note: The prefect's bathroom is the most brilliant thing about Hogwarts. The only thing that could be more brilliant would be a room that did whatever anyone wanted. Which, of course, was the Prefect's bath the other night.

Note 2: Pumpkin juice licked from Remus' ear tastes much better than it does from the glass.

Tags: sirius journal

Sirius is acting very oddly - even more oddly than is usual. He keeps walking around muttering to himself, and he's taken to scribbling in a book while practising said muttering. I'm almost positive it's the journal I gave him, but he throws something over it every time I draw near. He may be attempting to be nonchalant, but it's not working.

He hasn't got over the James business yet, either. Though the two of them seem friendly and normal (relatively, of course) while together (I even caught them at their favourite activity this morning in a dungeon corridor -- torturing Snape), Sirius has taken to glaring at James when he's not looking. He was doing it today during Charms; he kept staring at Prongs with his brow furrowed, then it was back to his scribbling and muttering. Sirius never takes that many notes, if any at all. I'm going to have to bring it up - as much as I hate to - otherwise it'll drive me mental. I just don't want another row; I missed him so much before.

He seems to now have an awesome amount of for hate for Harold Melville as well. I didn't know why at first, then I read my drunken ramblings in this very book and discovered the reason. I wish I could destroy that page -- but there are things on the back of it which I wish to keep. Oh, that's probably why he put dungbombs in the 7th year boy's dormitory, because of Melville and Fabian. Fabian Prewett was getting rather too friendly with me that night, if I remember correctly. And if I think he was too friendly, Sirius must think he practically raped me. Merlin knows what else is in store for the poor bloke. He was drunk, after all; he couldn't help acting like a prat anymore than I could. Well, besides the obvious method of simply not drinking a litre of whisky like some sort of thirsty vagrant. Merlin, I made a total arse of myself. But I have to stop thinking of that or I'll never to be able to get up and go to class in the morning.

Sirius - if you're sneakily reading this - what's going on? You're acting like a nutter. I still love you and all - but you're driving me mental. What in Merlin's name have you been scribbling about? I've looked everywhere for the book, but you've hidden it very well. Or perhaps transfigured it into something else. I really don't wish to go over everything in your trunk with a 'finite incantatem', so just tell me. It's getting irritating. Still love you, though. Just saying.

Tags: remus journal

Well, first Hogsmeade weekend was announced yesterday and for the first time EVER, Potter hasn't asked me to go with him straight away. It's strangely relaxing. It's actually just STRANGE. It's not like I ENJOY his pestering or anything. Maybe he's no longer interested; he has been acting oddly since I made friends with Sirius. Lily Evans, what do you care? Stop this at once!

It's still three weeks away; I'd better stay on my guard. He may not have given up yet. Could ambush me at anytime. Shall keep my eyes peeled and definitely not eat anything that is offered to me by anyone but my closest friends. And not eat anything that has been sitting in close proximity to the moron quadruplets in the Great Hall. In fact, I won't eat anything that has been sitting in the Great Hall that I did not see appearing on the table myself. Yes, that ought to cover it. Well, perhaps not -- they did manage to get something nasty into the Slytherins' food that one time in second year. But even if I didn't want to admit it at the time, Narcissa Black running from her classes to the nearest toilet all day was HILARIOUS --

What in the hell -- Those idiots just came thumping and screaming down the dormitory stairs like a herd of wild animals. I heard what was undoubtedly Sirius' voice bellow: 'I'M GONNA SMASH YOUR FACE THIS TIME YOU TRAITOROUS FUCKER!!!!!!' I swung round to see Potter running at top speed down the stairs, tripping and stumbling all over the place, apparently due to impaired vision, as he wasn't wearing his glasses. I actually felt badly for the poor bastard; he looked TERRIFIED.

Next I see Sirius at the top of the stairs, being restrained by a red-faced Remus. It looked like he kicked Remus in the shin to get away (a terrible trick, and they say girls fight unfairly). He came screaming down the stairs, putting his hands on the banister for leverage and launching himself over the side to avoid the last few steps.

He yelled 'I WARNED YOU, DIDN'T I, YOU HORNY BASTARD?! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD THIS TIME!' and launched himself at James Potter, knocking him onto the floor. Remus had arrived on the scene by this point, having recovered from his shin injury, and threw himself into the fray. He was trying to pry Sirius off of Potter, whom he was punching, biting and kicking.

Remus finally yelled 'SIRIUS STOP! IT WAS ALL MY FAULT! GET THE FUCK UP!'

I was shocked to hear Remus swearing like that, as there were first years watching by then. It seemed to shock Sirius out of it for a second too, just long enough for Potter (bleeding from a few places and sporting a lovely red lump on his right cheekbone) to wriggle out, rise to his feet and pull his wand out of somewhere (I really DO NOT wish to know where he was keeping it with only his pyjama bottoms on).

'WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM, REMUS? AS IF HE'S NOT GOING TO FIND SOME TWISTED WAY OF BLAMING IT ALL ON ME!'

'YOU WERE THERE TOO, YOU FUCKING WANKER! IT'S YOUR FAULT JUST AS MUCH AS IT IS HIS!'

'I JUST LOCKED YOU IDIOTS IN THE KITCHEN SO YOU'D STOP BEING FUCKING STUPID, AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET? FUCK YOU!' Sirius lunged forward, as if to attack again, but Potter waved his wand. Bonds sprang up, encircling Sirius' hands and feet, and he tumbled over. James Potter said, 'Calm the fuck down, Sirius, okay? It wasn't that big a deal. Was it, Moony?'

'No, of course it wasn't. Besides being entirely MY fault, Padfoot. Please stop this. We wouldn't even be talking now if it weren't for James, yeah? Come now, if Prongs didn't want us - (he hesitated, glancing around at the group of interested onlookers that had assembled) want us to be - friends - he wouldn't have forced us to talk, right? It's fine. It's all over with, yeah?'

Sirius nodded, breathing heavily. 'Just fucking untie me and I promise not to hit him then,' he snarled between tightly clenched teeth.

'Wait, he might still hex me!' Potter yelped, jumping behind a third year boy, but Remus reassured him that Sirius hadn't even grabbed for his wand before charging directly at him.

When Remus had finished untying him, Sirius got up and stared around at the assembled Gryffindors angrily. 'BUGGER OFF!' he yelled, and boys, did they ever do it quickly. No-one wants to be on his bad side when he's in a mood, and he was obviously in the worst one ever, as Potter has NEVER been his target before.

'Thanks for fucking betraying me,' he spat at Potter.

'That's a load of bollocks, Sirius. I'm sorry it happened, believe me, but it didn't MEAN anything. Did it, Remus?' He looked at Remus imploringly; he seemed desperate for help with his crazed friend.

'Don't fucking talk to him!' Sirius yelled. Potter jumped back a bit, and immediately looked back towards Sirius.

'Calm down! Look - I mean, if you had been in my position, what would you have done? He started it! What was I supposed to do? I was so shocked that it was happening, I couldn't even think. Of course I wouldn't have done it if I had had my wits about me, but I was caught so completely off guard that I just let it happen. I didn't do it to fucking hurt you!'

'Yeah, fine. Just know that it is NOT happening EVER again. I'm going to be watching the both of you! I mean it! You are NOT allowed to do ANYTHING without me. Not homework, not kitchen raids, not devising plans to help you get into Lily's knickers - NOTHING!' (To which I said 'Hey!', but was ignored. Remus had better not discuss such things with Potter!) Sirius seemed to ponder the situation for a short moment. 'I'm going to have to put anti-allurement charms on him or something.'

'More like anti-tart charms, eh, Padfoot?' Potter laughed, albeit a little nervously.

'Watch it, Potter,' Sirius replied, trying not to smile. Remus rolled his eyes, crossed his arms over his chest, and headed for the dormitory stairs. I have NO IDEA what they were on about and I really don't think I want to know.

Pettigrew appeared at that moment, apparently having waited until the yelling died down to venture out into the open. He handed Potter his glasses and they all followed Remus up to their dormitory. Potter paused at the top of the stairs and turned around. He yelled, 'How about going to Hogsmeade with me, Evans? My pretty face'll be all cleared up by then!'

I replied, curtly, 'Yes, I'm sure it will, but will your head be any smaller? I think not.'

Black yelled out, 'Quit pretending, Evans. Come on, PRONGS.' Apparently Potter is no longer 'acting like a git'. FUCK! The way he emphasised the 'Prongs', he's going to tell him what I said, I just know it. FUCK!!!

Potter just chortled and followed after him.

Is this how idiot boys make up? What a bunch of morons. Well, seems like it's back to business as usual. I'll keep an eye out for love-charmed food and flower-launching letter bombs once again.

Why does that idiot Potter have to look so good without a shirt on? Why? I hate my hormones.

Tags: lily journal

This afternoon we were all off around the castle working on putting the finishing touches on the map. The rotten bastard formerly known as James Potter was very gung ho, apparently, and convinced us to work on it all the way through lunch. And as we were nearly finished our respective jobs by the time dinner rolled around, through it as well. I was absolutely ravenous by the time we had finished, so he gave me his cloak, told me he had one more thing to check, and that he'd meet me in the kitchens.

When I entered the kitchens it was very quiet. There was an abundance of food laid out on one long table as if it was waiting for me. The strangest thing of all was no house elves came to meet me, scraping and bowing in their embarrassing way. I began to feel nervous, as if it were some sort of prank. After 6 years of living with James and Sirius, I should have known better than to stay in there, but I was hungry, so I stayed. I made up a plate of the food, sat down on one of the low chairs and began to eat.

After a few moments, I heard a ruckus outside in the corridor, and an angry, swearing Sirius came barging in, mumbling about 'stupid self-locking rooms'. As I was currently not speaking to Sirius, angry or otherwise, I began to get up out of my seat, determined to take my food and head back to Gryffindor Tower rather than sit and wait for James to arrive. When he noticed me rising from my seat he muttered, 'Oh yes, go ahead and take off. Don't want to be alone in a room with a cheating bastard, after all', and threw himself dramatically into the chair furthest from me. I decided to ignore his outburst, gathered my plate, a few extra bread rolls, and headed for the door. The door, however, would not open. Try as I might, it wouldn't budge. I put the plate down, got my wand out and tried every unlocking charm I knew. Nothing. That's when I realised it WAS a prank. I exclaimed 'Fucking James!' and kicked the door. The bastard had managed to lock us in there! I couldn't believe he had tricked me!

Sirius got up out of his seat and came towards me. I recoiled as he got near and he rolled his eyes. 'James can't have locked us in here. Only the elves can close off the kitchen, they told us that themselves... wait a second... that's why Prongs asked them.... SODDING WANKER! He's a dead man!'

He began banging on the door with his fists and hollering, 'Prongs! I'm gonna string you up by your goolies, you tosser!' After a few moments of this I went and sat back down. I was still starving and I knew no matter how badly I wanted out, there was no way it was going to happen until the proper amount of time had passed. However much time James had decided it would take Sirius and I to kiss and make up, which I was determined was NOT going to happen.

Sirius must have decided his efforts were fruitless after a while, or else his hands and throat were just tired and sore, for he stopped and resumed his seat at the table as well. I knew he had to have been starving, since he must have missed both lunch and dinner too, but he didn't eat, he just stared off into space. Not that I was really looking.

After several uncomfortable minutes, he said, in a very angry tone of voice, 'So, you just never going to speak to me again? After everything?'

I didn't really know what to say to that, or what I was feeling, so I just kept quiet. He heaved a sigh and muttered something that sounded like 'fucking childish werewolf', to which I replied, 'Oh, FUCK YOU, Sirius. I can't believe you have the gall to call someone else CHILDISH!'

'After the way you took off? You didn't even let me bloody explain. You just assumed the worst. It's always so easy for you to assume the worst with me, though, isn't it?'

'No, it's never EASY. It sounded bad. It looked bad. You were hardly trying to get away from him, and you didn't say a THING when he touched you. Do you think I'd allow someone I'd got off with to touch ME like that? And then, the way you went off in the alley, you seemed pretty fucking guilty about it.'

'I didn't fucking DO anything! It's you! You make me feel guilty for every bloody thing I do! Eating, breathing, getting out of BED in the bleeding morning!

'Oh quit being so fucking melodramatic. Well, if I make you feel so terrible, maybe we're better off!'

'BETTER OFF??', he yelled, his eyes bulging dangerously.

I turned away from him, not really wanting to answer, at which point I was hit in the side of the head with a flying handful on mashed potatoes. The fucking prick actually threw food at me! I wasn't about to take that lying down, so I plunged my hands in to a container of warm turnip and threw it at him. It hit him on the chest and splashed up over his chin.

Something seemed to crack in both of us then, and we each grabbed randomly at whatever was nearest. I rammed my hand into a bowl, coming up with a large amount of smushed peas, and launched them towards Sirius' haughty, handsome face. I didn't wait to see if I had hit my mark, but decided to dodge behind a chair, grabbing a large bun on my way. When I had almost reached my hiding spot, I felt some incredibly sticky substance splatter up the back of my neck. I spun round to see what he was doing and saw that he was launching custard at me with a large serving spoon. I threw the bun at him, hitting him in the side of the head, and jumped behind the chair. He growled in frustration, and I heard him advance. I skittered around the side of the table, jumped up to arm myself once more, this time with a tureen of gravy, and ducked back down.

He yelled, 'Stop hiding, Lupin! Are you a Gryffindor or a Hufflepuff?' So I jumped up and hurled the gravy all over him. He stepped backwards, looking thoroughly disgusted and dropped whatever ammunition he had in his hand at the time. I took advantage of his astonishment to go to the store cupboards for better throwing food, since soggy vegetables are difficult to work with. I found the perfect thing behind the very first door I tried. Eggs. I grabbed as many as I could carry and advanced on him. He was well armed by this point, having come to his senses, and immediately tossed a loaf of bread, hitting me in the stomach. I chucked an egg at him; it splattered all over his chest and he growled again, in a way that was very reminiscent of Padfoot. It probably would have made me smile had I not been so extraordinarily pissed off at the time.

As I got a bit closer to him, he hit me square in the face with a handful of cabbage. He KNOWS how I loathe cabbage, the bastard. I wiped it away blindly, feeling other wet, sometimes sticky, substances hit various parts of my body. I threw another egg, though I couldn't see, and heard his laugh when I missed him. I got the disgusting stuff out of my eyes and launched another egg at him, this time coming very near to his groin. He didn't laugh then. HA! Take that! I was back beside the table by this point and grabbed a few chicken drumsticks, tossing them at him, sometimes hitting, sometimes not. I got him good with a container of ice cream whose freezing charm had warn off; it was slowly turning into sticky slop. It connected spectacularly, splashing him from his face all the way down past his waist. He rushed up closer to me then, and before I could shield myself, he smushed a steak and kidney pie right into my face. Besides the fact that it burnt a little, as it was still somewhat hot, it felt absolutely DISGUSTING. I was standing there spitting and sputtering, trying to get it out of my nose and eyes, and I could hear him going for more.

At last I was sick of the childish display and yelled, 'Sirius, enough, all right! This is disgusting!' Having got the majority of the pie off my face, I began wiping the mishmash of food off my clothes, my nose crinkled in disgust.

'Feel pretty gross, huh, Moony? Let me just wash that off for you....,' and he dumped an entire pitcher of ice cold pumpkin juice all over me. I gasped when it hit, the ice cubes raining down on the top of my head. I looked up into Sirius' self-satisfied mug, grabbed a pitcher of my own, and poured it all over the smug bastard.

We just stood there, dripping and glaring at each other, gasping from the cold of the juice and blinking as the sticky mess washed over our eyes. I glanced down and noticed that he was rock-hard. There was no hiding it with soaking wet clothing clinging to every inch of his body. The sight of his cock under his clinging trousers sent blood pouring to my nether regions; it had been far TOO LONG.

I don't know which of us moved first, but next thing I knew, we were attacking one another. I grabbed him by the hair, pushing his face into mine, sucking and biting at his lips while he abused mine with equal fervour. His hands roamed down my body, reaching my hips, where he dug his fingers in and pressed me up against him. I gasped as our erections touched, pulling my mouth away from his. He took the opportunity to bite down, hard, on my neck. I couldn't take it anymore, the pent-up anger and frustration, bloody WEEKS worth. I pushed him towards the table, knocked the rest to the dishes onto the floor with a swipe of my hand, and slammed him onto it.

He gasped 'Fuck, yes..' as I began trying to peel his wet, sticky clothing off his equally wet, sticky frame. His shirt didn't cause an enormous amount of trouble, just got caught up in his arms a little as he tried to hold himself upright to allow me get it off more easily. He tore at mine, popping off the buttons, as I reached down and began fumbling with the fastenings of his trousers. I got them undone without much difficulty; only a small bit due to the shaking of my hands, but getting them over his syrupy hips and down his legs was another story altogether. I pulled and pulled as he twisted on the table, lifting his hips into the air, but those bastards were sticking like paste. I managed to get them down over his round arse, and began pulling them by the belt loops over his hips. I got them as far as his ankles, realised his shoes were still on his feet and in my way, decided it would take entirely too long to rid him off them, and threw his legs over my shoulders, his trousers resting behind my head. I couldn't get my own trousers down quickly enough. I was so desperate to be inside him. For the first time ever, I wasn't thinking about his comfort or his pleasure; I just wanted to fuck him into the table until he screamed.

I looked down at him, writhing on the table beneath me, begging for me to fuck him, his hard cock already leaking onto his belly. I licked my lips and spread his legs as wide as they could go without making his ankles fall from their perch on my shoulders, and stuck my wet finger into him.

He hissed in pain. I thought, 'Fuck, I need lube. What in the fuck can I use for lube?' Then I saw it. A butter dish sitting on the very edge of the table. I thanked Merlin that it hadn't fallen when I had rid the table of the rest of the dishes, and plunged my fingers into it. He watched me coat my aching cock with the butter, moaning and whimpering the entire time.

At that point I was frantic to get in his arse, so I elected to forego the fingering, and just thrust in. He gasped and his eyes rolled back into his head. It felt too fucking good; I knew there was absolutely no way I was going to last. I just pounded into him as hard as I could, mesmerised by his hard cock bouncing off his taut stomach. I looked up into his face then. He looked so deliciously debauched: his dirty hair spread out across the table, his arms up, hands resting over his head, and pure want shining in his clear, grey eyes. I felt a rush of guilt, and let go of one of his hips to take his aching cock in my hand, but he slapped my hand away, letting out a moan of 'no'. I was determined to make the bastard come, so I lifted his hips up even farther and slammed into him, over and over, with all the strength I could muster. Just as I felt a familiar tightening sensation in my balls and knew I was about to come, he cried out, shuddering, his arse clenching around me, and his come splattering all over his chest. I rammed in twice more, then followed him over the edge, clamping my eyes shut and seeing stars.

I slumped down on top of him, as I could no longer hold myself upright. I just lay there for a few moments, with my face pressed into his neck, his legs still around me, caught by the trousers that still attached his feet at the ankles. I didn't know what to do. I felt so strange about the entire thing and I didn't know how to react to it; I didn't know how to BE around him. It was Sirius, for fuck's sake! It should never have got to the point where we were uncomfortable around each other. I should not have been feeling odd because we had just shagged. He shifted uncomfortably beneath me, so I started to rise off of him, muttering incoherent apologies, and he started a little. 'No, it's okay, you don't have to move...' I told him his back must be hurting from the hard table, and it was okay, because my legs were a little shaky anyway.

I stepped out of the circle of his trousers and hopped up onto the table next to him, as he rose and scooted his arse back a bit so he wasn't dangling off the edge. We weren't really talking or looking at one another, but the anger and tension that lay between us for weeks seemed to have dissipated. He began to fight with his shoes and trousers. He managed to pry one gloppy shoe off, then the other, then pulled off his socks, pants and trousers and threw them onto the floor. He shook his hand, trying to dislodge a disgusting mixture from it, his lip curled. He wiped it onto the side of the table and gave me a shy sideways glance.

'I think we both need a bath,' he laughed, and I nodded my head in agreement.

'We can use the prefect's bathroom. Come on. I have James' cloak; we'll have to be sure to get it nice and sticky for him, the tosser.'

'Oh yes,' Sirius agreed, grinning and letting out a breath of what seemed to be relief. 'We definitely need to get back at him for this.'

The kitchen door opened 'miraculously' on our first try. Sodding James.

We made our way to the prefect's bathroom without much incident (Mrs Norris seemed to smell the food on us at one point, but we sneaked past her), and by the time I gave the password and we got inside, we were rather stuck together. Sirius had to peel himself off my back (which was somewhat uncomfortable), and I got down and started turning on taps straightaway.

We were still both behaving rather shyly, like strangers who had just met and fucked frantically in the kitchen, instead of two people who had known each other for years, who had been friends and more, who had uttered sentiments of love. I felt terrible, thinking about it. I didn't want to be acting that way with Sirius. We stood in silence, watching the tub fill with water; steam, fresh scents and bubbles permeated the air around us.

I said, 'We may as well get in,' and climbed into the gigantic tub. He lowered himself in on the opposite side, looking at me, then looking away when he realised I'd noticed him staring. I was tired of the whole charade, and I just didn't care anymore. I wanted him WITH me, so I motioned to him and said, 'Sirius, please come here,' and held out my arms. He came over and flung himself on me, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in my hair. I kissed his cheek gently and began rubbing his back.

He pulled away from me a bit, saying, 'I didn't do anything, you know. I wouldn't...' I put my finger to his lips and shushed him; I told him I knew and that it was all over and done with. His eyes still looked troubled, so I wanted to explain why I had been upset, and reassure him that I knew he hadn't actually done anything.

I said, 'It was the way you were looking at him, that's what got me. He was talking to you about whatever - I'm sure it could have been the weather and you would have still looked at him that way. Rapture. You looked so wistfully into his face - I - it just killed me. Like you were 14 again and just WORSHIPPED him. Then he actually touched you. You didn't tell him to stop - you just sort of smiled shyly at him. I wanted to break his stupid face. I walked up closer and heard him inviting you somewhere. You were nodding at him, seemingly all excited. It just LOOKED bad, Sirius. I'm sorry I didn't let you explain; I'm SORRY, but I was upset. I would have been fine after thinking on it and then talking to you about the situation; fine if you hadn't said those nasty things. And then that letter - that was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back, you know?'

'I'm so sorry I said those things, Remus. Truly. It was so stupid, but I was angry that you wouldn't let me talk - I have NO interest in him. I swear...'

'It's okay, Padfoot. I know. I realised later, after James told me how you had been fervently denying having done anything wrong - I realised that you just don't LIE. You're sometimes a prick, and sometimes you avoid unpleasant conversations, but you never lie. Also, after really sitting and thinking on it, I came to the conclusion that it's not really a big deal. It's perfectly normal to have infatuations with people. It would just be easier if you were infatuated with someone who doesn't have designs on you, because it's apparent that he does....'

'No, he really doesn't. He was telling me about a bloke he's seeing. He invited me to meet him. He's a muggle and he had a book launch, something like that. He invited me to it; he invited US.'

'Oh - I - I'm sorry...'

'I know. It's okay. I'm sure you would have listened to me after a while if I hadn't been a rotten git and yelled all that rubbish at you...'

'Yes, but I still shouldn't have just assumed - it's just the way it LOOKED - I'm so sorry, Sirius.'

'I'll forgive you if you'll forgive me,' he said quietly, looking up into my face, wearing the most sincere little smile.

I nodded, smiling back, and he pressed his lips to mine. He pulled back for a moment and studied my face. He whispered, 'And why would I want him when I could have THIS,' and cupped my cheek gently. I closed my eyes, leaning into his touch, then turned my head to kiss the palm of his hand.

'I love you so much, Moony,' he murmured, leaning in to kiss me once more. I told him I loved him too, and pulled him over to the side to get at the soaps and shampoos, because no matter how much I loved him, the stickiness of the both of us was beginning to unhinge me a little.

'Oh, poor Moony. You just can't STAND to be all dirty like a proper bloke, can you?' he laughed. I said, 'Shut it, and dunk your head so I can wash your pretty locks, prat.'

He grinned while wetting his hair through for me to wash and swam back towards me. I turned him around and began lathering it up.

'Mmmm... feels nice, Moony...' he mumbled, as I pulled him onto his back to rinse the shampoo from his hair. 'Gonna wash the rest of me, too?' he asked, grinning at me naughtily.

'If you'd like...' I replied. He told me of course he liked, and I lathered up a flannel and turned him around, beginning to scrub his back.

I was still uncomfortable about what had happened in the kitchens, so I decided to broach the subject, since we were getting other uncomfortableness out of the way.

'Sirius, umm - in the kitchens just now - I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me - I just have no control over myself sometimes, when it comes to you...'

He turned around quickly, speaking rather harshly, 'Don't you dare apologise! That was - fuck, Remus. I LOVE it when you just take me. I love it that I can do that to you. It was so bloody amazing...'

'But, I didn't hurt you, did I?' I muttered, embarrassed.

'No, you didn't bloody hurt me. If you're hurting me I'll tell you, yeah? Now, come here. It's my turn to wash you...'

He expertly washed my hair, massaging my scalp so wonderfully, then laid me back and rinsed the soap out. He then began on my body, running the flannel over my skin in teasing strokes, sometimes following it with his mouth, pressing tender kisses behind my ears, down my neck, over my chest. He started licking in and around my ear, only to come up giggling. 'You've got mashed potato in your ear. Mmmm... buttery...' I slapped him away and washed it out properly, with him guffawing off to the side. He slid back up beside me as soon as I had stopped the inspection of my ears, however, and began to run the flannel, and sometimes just his hands, all over me.

He beckoned me towards the side, saying he had to wash the bits of me that were UNDER the water, and he needed better access. He lifted me up on the side of the tub, placed his hands on my knees and gently spread them apart. He climbed up between my legs and began washing my stomach, thighs and down my legs. The tips of his fingers brushed against my cock by accident, and I gasped involuntarily. I was so hard again. He began washing around my cock and balls, ever so slowly and enticingly. Then he abandoned all pretense and just touched me. He threw the flannel aside, and began stroking and fondling, saying 'Oh, it's been far too long... far too long...' He looked up into my eyes, then bent forward, taking me into his mouth. He sucked like he'd been denied food for months; like his life depended on it. I leaned back, supporting my weight on my hands and cried out. It was so difficult not to thrust forward into his mouth. His hands were resting on my thighs, kneading them, and he just kept sucking so avidly, rolling his tongue around, licking and sucking and moaning. I was so close to coming once more, but I didn't want it to be over so soon. I wanted to relish our time together there. I asked him to stop, saying I wanted to get back in with him, that I wanted us to get off together. He pulled is mouth off me, and I moaned at the loss. He grinned and asked if I was sure. I nodded my head at him, and slipped back into the warm water, curling into him immediately.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, leaned in and licked at his lips. He opened his mouth, moaning slightly and slipping his hands down onto my arse. We were soon devouring each other's mouths once more, though not in the same vicious manner we had earlier in the kitchens.

The noises coming out of Sirius began to sound desperate, and he started walking us towards the nearest edge. He pressed me up against it, and began rubbing into me in a slow, tantalising fashion. I gasped and bucked my hips, then grabbed his arse, pushing us closer together, begging for more wonderful friction. He pressed back zealously, and we both ground our cocks together, gasping and moaning. I felt my impending orgasm, felt it tingling all over my body, and just as it was about to take me, I felt Sirius shudder, felt his cry muffled in my neck where his face was pressed so tightly. I was lost in the waves of my own ecstasy then, shuddering against him as he was against me.

'Oh, Moony,' he whispered, snuggling into me. I wanted things to stay as they were, but I couldn't be dishonest. I couldn't have us get back together and have more lies between us, so I decided to tell him about James.

'Sirius, I have to tell you something. Please let me say it all before leaving, as you're sure to. After I saw you with Mayfair and took off, I ran into James. I was so upset because I thought he had invited you to meet him and that you had agreed; well, I felt deeply hurt and betrayed. He wouldn't leave me alone, and he looked so worried. I felt myself cracking up, and struggled to get away from him, lying and saying I was fine. He didn't believe me, and he kept pestering. I almost started to cry; he noticed and embraced me. I - he was comforting, and I was SO angry with you, Padfoot...'

'NO. Fucking hell, Remus. NO!'

'I kissed him. I'm sorry. Not to teach or to practise; just because I was angry and hurt and in need of comfort and wanting revenge. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I don't have feelings of that sort where James is concerned. I was just - I don't know. Just not really myself. I kept thinking - I thought that after what we had done the night before, after you'd HAD me, that you were finished with me, you know? That you got what you wanted and were moving on to others. I know now that I was being stupid, but that's how I was feeling at the time. Used. I thought it was over - and I needed comfort. So I clung to the nearest comfortable thing, which just happened to be big, stupid, persistent James.

'I did what I had accused you of doing. I'm so ashamed of myself. On account of you and on account of James. That was another reason I didn't try to talk to you about things, that I didn't try to make it up with you. I felt guilty on top of everything else.'

'And what did he do?'

'What?'

'James. Did he push you away? Did he say 'I can't do this, Padfoot is my best mate?'

'Well, no -'

'Did he kiss you back?'

'He - er..'

'Did he fucking kiss you back?'

'Yes. He did. But - it was my fault entirely.'

'Mmhmm, I'm sure.'

'Sirius, please don't turn this around and make it about James. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. Completely and utterly my fault.'

'Was it just YOUR lips that were involved?

'Well, no. Of course not.'

'Then how can it ONLY be YOUR fault? I'm going to fucking KILL him!'

'Sirius, leave him alone, okay? Poor bloke is already devastated enough. If you're going to kill anyone, it'll have to be me.'

'I don't want to talk about this, Remus. I just don't. I'm so tired of this.'

I figured that was the end of it, and tried to reassure myself that I had, at least, been honest with him. I pulled myself out of the water, hoisting myself up on the side with my arms, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

I heard him say, 'Where do you think you're going?', and I felt his hand on my leg. Next thing I knew I was being pulled back into the water, and had a lap full of wet, wriggling Sirius, trying his damnedest to climb into my body via my mouth. Apparently I had misunderstood him.

After another amazing snog, I reluctantly told him I thought we should probably get out and head back up to the dormitory, as it was getting late and our skin was beginning to shrivel up like that of a hag. He agreed, also very reluctantly, and we climbed out. We towelled each other off (which caused both Wee Moony and Ickle Padikins to stand at attention once more), slung clean towels around our hips and donned James' cloak, which Sirius first eyed angrily.

When we reached our room, we pulled off our towels and climbed into my bed together. It was wonderful. It was as it should have been all along. We snogged a bit more and eventually just curled up together as exhaustion took over. As Sirius was falling asleep he mumbled something that sounded like 'remind me to murder Prongs in the morning', but I REALLY hope I misunderstood him. I'll have to be extremely mindful and not leave the two of them alone together for at least a few days.

I'm beginning to drift off sitting here, and I think most of what I've just written is probably practically illegible, so I should sleep. I think I'll finally be able to do it properly now that I have my Padfoot back snoring gently beside me. It's been a hellish few weeks.

Tags: remus journal

Oh my god James' party was so crazy. This must be what it's like to be James and Sirius. Well, not Sirius now. He's like a wet blanket over a fire or something. Like he used to be all fiery but then somebody threw something soppy over him and it became attached to his head and weighted him down and kinda put him out. Does that even make sense? Think I had too much firewhisky.

Getting pissed with Prongs is fun! I should do it more often. Note to self: Drink lots with Prongs And I didn't even snog him or anything! Am very proud of us both. Even though stupid, pretty Sirius was practically sitting in Lils' lap for half the time. Maybe I should have snogged James. Or Prewett. Or that bloke with the firecrackers who came with us to the Astronmy tower. Who was that anyway? Harold or Marold of Gerald. I dunno. Ask James who bloke with firecrackers was Stupid Sirius and his stupid pretending to like girls. And he made James all sad because he wouldn't drink any of the good whisky. And he didn't even crack a tiny smile when Prongs joked about that muggle liquor that muggleborn girl brought being 'toujours pur russian vodka' & that was damn funny. Stupid Sirius with his big pouty lips and his nice bum sitting almost on stupid red Evans. Fuck it, Remus! He wants to fuck old wrinkly blokes anyway. But then why is he so sad? Does fucking old blokes make him that way or does he miss me or something? Well, I know he misses me but is it because of ME or because of my good essays he wants to copy. That's the question.

Was I dancing around the common room with that something-rold bloke? Damn, I really can't remember stuff at all. This is bad. Very bad. Oh, I was singing 'for he's a jolly good fellow' for James though. With Prewett & Peter & Genevieve and that girl who looks like she's got an adam's apple. We were smashing! Sirius usually sings that on our birthdays. Should never have taught it to him. Stupid Sirius. As if he likes girls anyway. Why would she play along? Just because she thought I was gonna shag James I suppose. I know she really wants to. Well maybe I should. Shag James, that is. Only he's scared of arse stuff I'm sure. So I'd probably have to let him shag me. Don't think I could do that though. He's James, but he's not SIRIUS. Stupid Sirius. Why couldn't he have just said 'bugger off you old pervert or my boyfriend is gonna come out here and rip you a new one'? I should have done that instead of buggering off. Stupid old pervert bastard. Stupid me. My head hurts and my mouth is dry. I want water but the pitcher is by Sirius' bed and if I get too close to it I might fall on it and then I'll never get up again and I'll HAVE to touch him since I'm drunk and tarty and he'll think I forgive him about coming onto fucking Mayfair. Or allowing fucking Mayfair to come onto him or whatever. Can one really ALLOW someone to come onto them? Well, he WAS smiling at him. This is making my head hurt. Couldn't possibly be anything else. Must yell for James to bring me water--- Stupid James is passed out. Pete too. All useless. What's a bloke to do when he needs water before he DIES and he's surrounded by passed out wankers and one whiny bitch hiding behind his bed-curtains with a FULL PITCHER of water right beside his bed. I want to cry it looks so tasty. I can't get up. Think I'll have to just go to sleep and forget it or something. I HATE YOU ALL!!!!! Did I just say that aloud? Fuck this sodding book it's making me spill ink on my bed. Will wake up with a bloody ink moustache and look like that bloke from the pornographic film advertisement in that dirty muggle magazine. Jolly good. NIGHT YOU USELESS WANKERS!!! oops aloud again. Have I said this all as I was writing? Don't think so

,,,,,,,;;;;;;; think I forgot a few of them up there. bugger Need fucking water So thirsty need water. My Padfoot would find me water whole rivers full ---always does when I'm thirsty. Guess I have to be torn to fuck and half dead to be awarded that courtesy ---- or just not acting like a wanker waterwaterwaterwat--

Tags: remus journal

Today is Potter's birthday. Merlin help us all.

It began as those idiots' birthdays usually do: they came into the Great Hall with Potter in their midst like he was some sort of royalty and they were his subjects. They were all wishing him Happy Birthday and giving him presents and (gag) kisses on the cheek (especially that Emily McKay; she's as thick as the stone walls of the castle, that one). He settled down on the bench like it was his throne, looking smug and self-satisfied at the attention. Sirius seemed extra annoyed with him (or so I thought at first), because he came and sat next to me. Then I noticed that Remus sat down on the bench next to Potter, so I guess Sirius was just avoiding him. Genevieve showed up then and looked at me, wanting me to ask Sirius to move I expect, but I just couldn't; he needs me right now. Anyway, she stomped off in a huff. She was probably also jealous because she's always had a bit of a thing for him, but I'll just let her think whatever she wants. I'm not about to out the bloke to her.

Potter was lording over everyone in his annoying manner, and I began shovelling food into me as fast as I could to get the hell out of there. There were floozies fluttering all around him for attention and blokes clapping him on the back. It was so irritating. He's a prat, no matter how good he is at Quidditch.

People began to disperse after a little while, since they also had to eat. Potter, Remus and Pettigrew began talking of the party they were having tonight and the best ways to 'sneak it in to the castle'. I assumed 'it' was some sort of alcohol, which I whispered to Sirius. He grinned, saying, 'of course,' and went back to eating in silence.

I helped myself to some toast, and as I was spreading jam on it, I felt Sirius go tense beside me. I looked over at him and noticed he was staring angrily in Remus' vicinity. I looked up and saw his brother walking over from the Slytherin table.

Sirius' brother (I can't for the life of me remember his name) said, jovially, 'Oh, I see it's Potter's birthday! Happy birthday, Potter.'

He smirked at them, then bent down slightly behind Remus, seemingly to whisper something to him. Remus tensed and I strained my ears to hear him. 'Wow, a whole year ago today, eh? Happy Anniversary, Remus.'

He looked so smugly at Remus, and I could see he was watching for Sirius' reaction too, but only out of the corner of his eye; he didn't have the bollocks to look at him directly. I felt Sirius tense up even more, and he seemed about to rise, so I put my hand on his arm to stop him and whispered, 'No, just wait'.

Remus seemed to be debating whether to say anything at all, or just ignore him until he went away. Finally he turned slightly, looking over his shoulder.

'Oh yes, that's right. Shall I come and eat breakfast with you to celebrate? Yes, let's head on over to the Slytherin table and let them all know what the occasion is,' Remus said to him in a cheery voice, beginning to rise from his seat. Sirius' brother hesitated, his mouth gaping open like a fish. 'No? I didn't think so. Bugger off,' Remus snapped, sitting down and turning his back on him.

I looked over to gauge Sirius' reaction to this, and he seemed to be holding in a smile. He picked up his napkin, dabbing his mouth to cover it. He was still shaking a little.

I finished eating and told Sirius I was heading to Charms. He grabbed his last piece of toast and his books and came with me. I quite like spending time with Sirius, which is surprising. His friends don't seem to be extremely impressed with it, but that's only because bloody Potter thinks he owns me. I finally understand what Remus sees in him. I just wish he'd get his vision fixed, because poor Sirius is so depressed.

Charms and potions went without much incident this morning, besides Potter hissing at Black that a proper best friend doesn't abandon his mate on his birthday. Wanker. Maybe if he tried to help them make up things would be back to normal for them all, but he doesn't lift a bloody finger. Sirius even told me Potter changes the subject if he tries to talk to him about Remus at all. And he has the gall to say Sirius isn't being a proper best mate. Will have to wait and see what the afternoon brings.


******************************************************

I have decided that drunken boys are the most annoying thing on the entire bleeding planet. The only person I could stand being around tonight was Sirius, and he was so sad and mopey I just wanted to give him a hug. What the hell was going on with Remus and Potter? Did Sirius do something (before tonight) to make Potter treat him so badly? It was like the two of them were having a battle of wills all night long. First Potter gets pissed off because Sirius won't drink the bloody firewhisky he poured for him, then he starts cozying up to Remus. I thought that was an absolutely pathetic move on his part -- as if Sirius was going to buy it. Potter obviously and unfortunately likes females, as he's been trying to get into my knickers for some time, but it seemed to upset Sirius nonetheless. As Potter got closer to Remus as the night wore on, Sirius got more and more upset.

All the Gryffindor idiots were dancing around, telling wild stories, and taking turns snogging the 'birthday boy'. It was so obnoxious. All the tarts were lined up for their turns. Hopefully Potter was so drunk he won't recall it all in the morning; he'll be even more unbearable than usual if he does. He all ready thinks everyone is in love with him. Twat.

At one point, after Remus had been dancing around drunkenly with Harold Melville and singing birthday songs to Potter, Potter seemed to think it was a good idea to actually TOUCH Remus and look over at Sirius with a smirk on his face while doing so. Sirius moved closer to me. Then Potter put his hand on Remus' back and stood even closer to him. And they did this a few times. I looked at Sirius questioningly and he leaned over and whispered 'play along?' in my ear. I thought about it for a moment. Remus is my friend, but he was behaving like a complete arse. And SIRIUS is my friend now too. So I did play along. Maybe I shouldn't have, but what's done is done. I was irritated at the time, and the look on Potter's face was priceless. I'm glad I'm not attracted to Sirius in any way (he's a good looking bloke of course - I'd have to blind not to see that, but I've never been interested) or it would have been painful - knowing what I know. That being his penchant for sucking cock and taking it up the arse. And that he's hopelessly in love with Remus Lupin (for which I can generally not blame him -- lately, not so much).

When Remus became so extraordinarily pissed that he was actually dancing on a table with Potter, that tart Bianca and Fabian Prewett, I knew we had problems. I know Remus well enough to know he'll be so mortified tomorrow when he realises what he did, so I decided to put a stop to it -- for him as well as poor Sirius.

I walked over to him when Potter had finally left his side for five minutes and said: 'Remus, I think you've had quite enough to drink. And you shouldn't be doing it out in the open like this. A teacher could catch you, and you're a PREFECT.'

'Aww, don' worry about me, Lils. Is all right, yeah?' he replied, slurring drunkenly and taking another long pull of some strong-smelling substance.

Then that big-headed leech overheard and came over to us.

"Don' be buggin' Moony, here, Evans. He's getting pissed with me on my birthday like a PROPER mate. Unlike SOME PEOPLE who are sitting around on their mopey arses like the big girl's blouse they are. Come on, Moony.' He slung his arm around Remus' shoulders, leading him away from me, and glancing back at Sirius, smirking. What the hell is going on with these idiots? Why is Potter acting as though there is any chance that he and Remus are going to be doing anything out of the ordinary together? I know he's angry that Sirius and I have been talking a lot, but that's just ridiculous. And why was Sirius buying into it anyway? Surely he realises it's preposterous?

I walked back over to Sirius, trying to look apologetic. I said, 'I don't know what that was all about. I'm sorry, though.'

'It's okay. I think James is just angry that I've been hanging about with you, and this is his pathetic attempt to get back at me.'

'But it's ridiculous,' I replied, and he shrugged.

We sat there watching Remus and Prewett talking and gesticulating about something, and Prewett was quite obviously coming onto Remus rather strongly. Luckily Remus either took no notice of this, or was ignoring it like a champion. He kept moving just out of Prewett's reach whenever he tried to touch him. I really think he was doing it on purpose, which is amazing considering how bloody drunk he was (and probably still is). I could FEEL Sirius' glower; I'm really shocked that he didn't go over there swinging (or hexing).

'Are you watching?', I asked him.

'Of course.'

'Well, then you see how Remus keeps backing away from him. Look, there he goes again -'

Prewett had grabbed for Remus' hand, only to have him pull it away quickly, and not so smoothly. It was so obvious. He glanced imploringly at Potter, who came to the rescue at once. He put his arm protectively around Remus' shoulders and led him away from Prewett, giggling and mussing up his hair. I think I heard him say 'poor, pretty Moony'.

We sat there semi-peaceably for a little while before that gormless drunk, Potter, came over to be obnoxious at close range.

'Aren't you gonna say 'Happy Birthday' to me, Padfoot? Eh? Don'tcha wanna snog me like everybody else does?'

'NO. I was waiting until you were ALONE to say it, actually,' Sirius replied testily.

Potter just laughed. 'Don' worry, Pads, Moony said he wouldn't snog me ever again. He just told me. 'Prongs,' he said 'I promise I'll never ever snog you ever again. Not unless you ask me to.' That's what he said.' (I'd hardly call that little kiss in forth year 'snogging'.)

Sirius just tensed up and looked away.

'But he would if I asked him to, cause it's my birthday. So you'd better behave yourself around CERTAIN people, dogboy. Cause I know the thought of me and Moony snogging is about as painful to you as being kicked in the knackers with very pointy girl shoes. Am I right?'

Sirius was obviously trying to look as if the thought didn't injure him in the slightest, but it wasn't working. He had the most painful grimace on his face. Poor bloke. He really loves Remus.

Potter continued to blather on: 'Yeah, I thought so. Watch your back! Or, I guess, watch your boyfriend's lips!' And he wandered off cackling like he'd said the most hilarious thing in the entire world. I don't really know what they were going on about, what with the snogging and innuendo, but that was a pretty rotten thing to say to his best friend. Talk about kicking a bloke when he's down. James Potter is an enormous prat. I think my first impression was correct; you can always tell what people are really like by watching them when pissed. I thought he was a nice sort after my birthday in August, but I was wrong. He mustn't have been very drunk that night, but he was EXTREMELY drunk tonight.

'Fuck this; I'm knackered,' Sirius muttered to me, and he stormed off upstairs.

I turned around, wanting to say something nasty to Potter, but I couldn't even be bothered. I just glared at him and shook my head, then followed Sirius upstairs.

He hollered after me, 'Evans, you're not allowed in the BOY'S DORMS!', but I ignored him.

As I reached the top of the stairs I think I heard him say 'Let's get the fuck outta here, mates.' He must have, because they didn't return to their dormitory while I was in there with Sirius, but they weren't in the Common Room when I went back down before coming to bed. I hope they're all caught by Filch and put in detention for the rest of term. I'm so pissed off right now.

I had a short talk with Sirius. He was so upset that he wouldn't really say much, though. Poor bloke. I wish I could do SOMETHING. It's painful to stand by and watch them piss it all away when I know how much they care for one another. Idiots. I'll have to come up with something, even if I have to get that wanker Potter in on it. Or perhaps Pettigrew could help me. I can't concentrate right at the moment, it's so late. First sleep, then plan. Yes. Tomorrow I shall plan.

Tags: lily journal

I can't fucking do this anymore. I'm losing my mind. I finally go to sleep after a complete bloody wreck of an evening and I dream about him sleeping next to me, only to wake up and have to remember that not only is he NOT next to me, but we're not even speaking AND he's off partying, completely pissed and without a care in the world.
 
Are we over? Can we ever get past this? I'm really starting to wonder. I thought it would be better tonight, with James' birthday party and all. We'd have a bit of firewhisky and it would be easier to talk. But the more he drank, the more he hung on James, who made no effort to stop him. They never left each others' side all fucking night. There was no way I was gonna sit there and take it.
 
I never thought I'd be so grateful to Evans. We were together the whole evening, since I basically have no friends anymore. Useless prat Prongs bloody well knows I'm a poof, so the fact that she was sitting with me didn't bother him at first. But then I whispered in her ear, asking her to play along, but I made it look like I was saying something much hotter, stroking her hair and smiling seductively. She seemed unsure at first, but I think she feels really sorry for me, so she threw her head back and laughed. Then she whispered back to me and stroked my cheek. I slid my arm around her shoulders and she leaned on me while we talked. Bastard's face was great. It looked like his eyes were going to pop out.
 
I don't think I can do this much longer. I can't take being around him all the time and not being able to touch him. Much less having to watch fucking JAMES all over him. I know Remus would never cheat on me. I've never accused him of it and I honestly don't believe he would. But what if he thinks we're over? Then it wouldn't be cheating. He never tried to STOP James from touching him, did he? Nope, he seemed PERFECTLY FINE with James' little skinny noodle arm flopped over his shoulder all night, like it belonged there or some rubbish. Remus did seem too pissed to really notice though. I've never seen him act such a fool. It was sort of hilarious. I couldn't really appreciate it, but he really did make a total arse of himself. Serves him right, it does. God, but he's such a tart when he's pissed, and if he honestly believes I planned to cheat on him and James is going round getting hard because of him....I don't even want to know. Fuck. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY????
 
It's too much. This is NOT how I wanted this year to start out. It was going to be so perfect. Our first start of term as a real couple. I wanted to run to meet him at the station, sit with him on the train, have our legs pressed together at the sorting and feast....it could have been amazing. Best year ever. Why didn't I make him listen that day at Diagon Alley? Why didn't I knock him down and sit on him until he heard me? God, I'm so fucking stupid. He's upset because of a misunderstanding and what do I do? Fucking tell him off worse than I ever have. That's just brilliant. I may have lost the best thing that ever happened to me because I can't keep control of my big, stupid mouth. I'm such a fucking prat.
 
But he's a total fucking prat too! How could he think I'd do that to him? Much less right in FRONT of him. Does he honestly think that if I were going to cheat on him (which he bloody well KNOWS I never would), I'd do it when he could show up at any moment? It just doesn't fucking make sense. If he could get Prongs' arm off his fucking shoulder and THINK for one bloody second, he'd realise that. I know he's really sensitive when it comes to Logan, but shit, if he thinks that little of me, maybe I'm better off.
 
Even Evans is on my side in this one. That alone should show him what an arse he's being. I wonder if he knows she believes I'm innocent. I can almost understand what James sees in her now. She's pretty ace for a bird.
 
It's 1 in the morning and he's not back yet. Where the fuck is he? What the fuck is he doing? Who's he doing it with? I want him here. With me. That's where he should be. I hate this. I fucking miss him so much. When he gets back, I should just grab him and pull him into my bed and apologise even if I don't think I'm wrong. Anything to end this. Nothing's the same without him.
 
SHIT. I think they're back. I hear noise on the staircase. Ohhh yes, they're back all right, yelling and knocking into things like there's not SOMEONE TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP IN HERE. Useless fuckwits, all of them. Merlin, three morons can make some noise. But I really only hear James and Peter. Oh wait, you have got to be kidding me! He's fucking writing in his fucking JOURNAL! He's so pedantic that he even has to write when he's completely pissed. Pathetic. I hope he writes down all of the ridiculous things he did tonight, so that they can torture him over and over in the future. Tosser. Fuck this, I'm going to sleep.
 
Ok, I can't sleep with all of the BLOODY SCRITCHING!!!!! And he keeps yelling things out. I think he just said "I hate you all!" He's mental. Now he's whinging about water. Ohh fine, he wants PRONGS to get him water. Too bad he's USELESS and PASSED OUT. See what happens when you rely on morons, Mr Conclusion Jumper To. You can shrivel up for all I care. Now he just yelled out "NIGHT, YOU USELESS WANKERS!" He better be talking about Prongs and Peter.
 
It sounded like he just said my name! I must have heard wrong, he couldn't have. Something about me getting him water. Well he can forget it. Let his NEW boyfriend get it for him. Oh, but he can't can he, because he's PASSED OUT. You really know how to pick 'em, Moony. Serves you right. Wanker.
 
But if he's really thirsty, he won't be able to sleep. Then he'll feel even worse than he's already going to. He sort of deserves it. I should let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Yes. Those who accuse their boyfriends unjustly deserve to slowly dehydrate when they're stupid enough to drink too much and the accused has no obligation to fetch them water. But I do have a whole pitcher right here. I could give him a glass. Just one. I won't leave my pitcher, because then he'd know it was me. Or maybe I want him to know it was me. If he knows it was me, then I'd seem like the bigger person, putting our differences aside when he's in need. Would he do that for me? I think he would.
 
Holy hell, I think he just said 'Night, Pads.' Guess he's getting the water.
 
I am such a pathetic girl.

Tags: sirius journal

I have detention in a few minutes. Detention with Sirius Black. Professor McGonagall has probably lost all confidence in me now; I shall never be able to gain back her respect. I can't believe I did this to save JAMES POTTER getting into trouble. Why? It's not like he isn't used to it. Why did I have to stick my oar in? Why did I feel badly, knowing that he really hadn't helped Black this time? It's not like he didn't do something else for which he's never been caught and didn't deserve detention anyway. I'm so angry with myself! Well, I guess I'll be back to record the details of this torture afterwards....


************************************************************

Well, this has certainly been one of the oddest and most enlightening evenings I have ever had. I sat with Sirius in the Transfiguration classroom, correcting first year's essays for a couple of hours. I felt very uncomfortable around him, and kept repeating that there just couldn't be this many first years. He would just shrug his shoulders and reply that there had to have been, because even McGonagall couldn't magic her handwriting to look as illegible as many of them were. He seemed extremely uncomfortable around me as well, and that made me want to make him feel at ease. I don't know what it is about me, but I HATE it when people feel that way. I kept trying to make small talk, but he wasn't really answering any of it, just nodding or shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. I gave up after several fruitless attempts, and we sat in silence, apart from the scritching sound of our quills.

Out of the blue he said, 'I'm sorry I got you into trouble, Evans. Really I am. I know James feels like a right git for allowing you to take the fall for it instead of him -'

I cut him off and asked whether Remus felt the same for not saying he was the one who had aided Sirius with his prank, and he quieted down at once.

He whispered, 'How would I know? Not like he's talking to me,' looking terribly sad, and a little bitter too.

I sighed and pushed the paper I was correcting away (something to do with the laws against transfiguring endangered magical animals) and turned completely to face him. I said, 'Don't tell me the two of you are STILL not talking. This is getting ridiculous. What the hell happened? Remus won't talk about it, and he seems as miserable as you do.'

He shrugged his shoulders again, looking away, and said we should probably get on with our task, as McGonagall would be back to check on us soon. I took his word for it, since he's had far more experience in detention than I, and most likely knew what he was talking about.

He was right, of course. McGonagall turned up about five minutes later, allowing us to go back to the tower. Sirius rushed out the door, obviously trying to avoid having to walk back with me and have me drill him about Remus again, but I had an idea. I caught up with him as he was turning the corner past the Charms room, and gasped for him to stop. He turned to face me, looking slightly irritated. I told him I had something to calm his nerves if he would like to meet me on the roof of the tower. He laughed and forced an expression of mock outrage on his face, chastising me for going out onto the tower roof, since it's against the rules. I rolled my eyes at him, saying that I'm not as much of a goody-goody as he seems to think. He smiled and said that, yes, he would meet me in a few minutes. I nodded my head at him, silently very pleased. I was going to finally get answers.

I have in my possession some marijuana. I know the only other people at this school who know what it is are the other muggle-borns and possibly some of the half-bloods (and most definitely Dumbledore, because he knows EVERYTHING). Anyway, I hadn't worried about anyone who would know discovering it and confiscating it from me, so I brought it. My friend at home showed me the calming joys of pot this past summer, and I knew it would come in handy after a particularly nasty day here at Hogwarts. It turns out that it would help me make friends with the most unlikely of people.

When I first showed it to Sirius and explained what it was, he laughed and told me he really didn't know me at all. He asked me what it would do to him (not that he cared, as he was beginning to inhale when he questioned me). I told him everyone's reactions were different; some people get quiet, others get very talkative. I just get smiley and tend to touch people a lot. I think it brings out a person's inner personality sometimes, much like alcohol can, just in a gentler sort of way. 'And sometimes...' I said, after he had taken a few tokes, 'it makes people TRUTHFUL.' He looked up at me knowingly. He knew I was fishing for information. I just hope he realises I wanted to help, and not gossip or anything. I'll try to record our conversation as I remember it.

'Mmmhmmm,' he muttered. 'What is it you'd like to know?'

'Look, Black, I just want to help. I want to know what's going on with you and Remus. I'm tired of seeing your mopey face, and his silence is driving me mental. And the way you look at each other and look away when the other turns to look; it's annoying! You obviously still want one another. What's the problem?' I was trying my damnedest not to sound like I was prying.

'I - I think it's over. Remus and me. I really think it's over. I don't want it to be, but - I don't know what the fuck to do.' (He looked so sad! I never thought I'd feel badly for Sirius Black, of all people. Especially not after my militant attempts to get Remus to break it off after he first told me about the two of them. I feel guilty about that now.)

'Can't you talk to him - tell him you want him -'

'NO. Absolutely NOT. It's HIS fault; I didn't DO anything. Not this time.'

'Oh, quit being so bloody stubborn -'

'Quit being stubborn? Do you know what it feels like to be accused of something you didn't do? To be considered a cheat by someone you love? Do you know how terrible it feels not to be trusted by the most important person in the world to you? Don't tell ME to stop being stubborn. It's all that self-righteous bastard's fault this time.' He was shaking with anger and indignation by this point, and I wanted nothing better than to calm him down, but his comment pissed me off a little. I felt a little less badly.

'Maybe you could start the conversation with something like: 'You know how you felt when I practically accused you of trying to shag Prewett, my brother, James, or numerous random blokes whom you spoke to in the library or the corridors? Well, now I know what it feels like and it's TERRIBLE!'

A flash of guilt crossed his haughty features for a split second, then his angry grimace appeared once more and he spat, 'Fuck you! I've never accused him of trying anything - I've only ever been angry with those wankers for trying to mess about with him. I've NEVER said he was the one trying anything - I've never treated him like that. NEVER.'

'Do you honestly think that you telling him not to speak to people whom you think are trying to get into his pants isn't exactly same thing? It works both ways. You can't accuse the others without accusing him as well.'

'Look, you weren't there, Evans. You have no idea what you're bloody blithering on about, so just leave it!'

'Well, why don't you explain it to me, then. Give me your point of view.' (Once again, trying my best not to seem like I was hounding him for information, even though I was.)

'All right. Fine. You really want to know?'

'Yes, actually. Then maybe I can think of a way to fix it, and the lot of you will be able to sleep at night. The bags under Potter's eyes could hold the Queen's gawdiest hats, and poor Pettigrew looks as if he doesn't quite know whom to follow around these days. One of you is always barking at him to come with them. Doesn't know if he's coming or going, poor bloke.'

'Well, he seems to be the only neutral one, so we all want to be around him right now. He really loves it; he loves us fighting over him. Believe me.'

'Why isn't Potter neutral territory? I've seen him with both of you - '

'Yeah, he talks to both of us, but he's weird. Distant. Ever since that day in Diagon Alley he's been acting really strange. On the train he would barely speak to Remus, and he wouldn't meet my eyes for days afterwards. I guess he's just fed up with the both of us.'

'Odd. Maybe I should try to speak to him. Remus did mention that James was upset with him, but he wouldn't say why.'

'If you find out, tell me, would you? It's driving me mental. It's eerily quiet in the dorm without all of Prongs' mindless babble.'

'Those are some interesting names you lot have for each other. Moony I get, but Prongs? Why the bloody hell do you call him Prongs?'

Sirius sniggered at that. 'Why do YOU think we call him Prongs?'

I smiled at him for a moment, not quite sure I should voice my opinion, but then I thought, what the hell. 'It sounds like some sort of cock reference to me -'

Sirius absolutely roared laughing at that. He had a difficult time breathing, let alone answering. 'I can't believe Lily Evans just said the word 'cock' in my presence.' And he began guffawing once more.

It was highly amusing to watch Mr 'I'm too cool for you all' Black cackling like a hyena and writhing around on the tower roof, tears streaming from his eyes. I yelled 'COCK, COCK, COCK!' to keep him going for a while.

When he finally quieted down a bit, wiping his face with the back of his hand, he said, 'No, it's not a reference to his bits, Evans, you pervert.'

'Well, that's a shame,' I answered. 'Maybe I'd actually give him a go if I thought you blokes were trying to say it was some colossal thing, you know?'

He began laughing once more. 'You're a bloody tart! And here I thought you were some sort of goody-goody. Just like Moony, though. No-one'd ever guess he's as tarty as he is -'

He stopped smiling then and looked away.

'So -'

He just looked at me blankly; I could tell he was very high.

'So - what happened with Remus?'

'Oh, yeah. Well - we were in Diagon Alley getting our school stuff. We saved Flourish and Blotts `til last 'cause I knew he has a bad habit of losing all sense of time while in a bookshop, and we wanted to make sure we had time to get everything before the shops closed. After buying all our school books, I got bored as hell. I was losing patience with him, and he just wouldn't leave! I swear we had been in there for two bloody hours before I finally snapped. He just laughed at me and told me to wait outside if I was that bored.

'So I left him to his books, and wandered out into the fresh air. I was leaning against the nearest brick wall, and after what seemed like another AGE, Lo- someone I used to know came walking towards me. He was - well, he was the only other bloke I've ever done - umm - THINGS with, you know?

'He came over and said hello. We exchanged all the formal niceties: How have you been? Isn't the weather lovely? What have you been up to? Blah, blah, blah. He began to tell me of this new bloke he's been seeing; about how great he is and how things are going really well between them. His boyfriend is about to publish his first book, and they're having a huge book launch party at some swanky club in London in October. He said, 'You're seventeen soon, right?' and I told him, yes, I was in a few months. He invited me to the party, saying it was sure to be fun, and that he really hoped he'd see me there. I agreed that it sounded great, and that I'd try to be there, although I knew there was no way Remus would ever consent to going. Then he reached up and touched my hair. I started a little, feeling somewhat uncomfortable about it, but he laughed and said a leaf had fallen into it. Then I saw Remus storm by me. I said, 'Oh, FUCK' and chased after him, knowing he would take it all the wrong way.'

'But that sounds fairly innocent, even taken out of context. Remus isn't usually so rash - '

'He is about this bloke', he muttered, eyes down. When I made to interrupt him and question him about the bloke, he quickly interrupted me. 'I really don't want to get into WHY.'

'All right. Just seems a little dodgy -'

'It IS a little dodgy. At least it is to Remus. Anyway, I ran after him, finally catching up to him in the little alley beside Quality Quidditch. I yelled for him to wait, to let me explain, but he just kept walking. I grabbed his arm, and he shrugged my hand off, looking back angrily. I reiterated that I wanted him to let me explain, and began telling of running into Log- the bloke. He cut me off, saying, in the nastiest voice I have EVER heard him use, 'I don't wish to hear this, Sirius. I saw and heard enough all ready, thanks.' And he turned away from me again. (I have to say - his impression of Remus was SPOT ON.)

'I know it's immature and all that - but not being allowed to speak really fucking gets on my nerves. I don't like it when people cut me off; it drives me absolutely mad. As does lack of trust, and that's what I was getting from Remus then. I cracked. I began screaming nasty things at him; it was terrible. I can't even remember what all I said. 'Well maybe I'll go back to him, then, eh, Moony? Maybe HE'D like to spend the night with me since you're being such a prick!' I went on and on. He turned to face me, as his back had been to me while I was hollering like a nutter, and replied, in a quiet voice that was laced with venom, 'If you'd rather.' And he walked away from me.'

'Why didn't you follow him and force him to listen to you? I'm sure he would have-'

'No, Remus is very stubborn when he wants to be. I know he needed space, but at that moment, I didn't care if he left. If he didn't want to listen to me he could bugger off for all I cared.

'I went in the opposite direction, and walked around for a while. I ended up back in our room at The Leaky Cauldron, but he wasn't there. I asked James if he'd seen Remus; he told me that he hadn't returned. James seemed oddly uncomfortable around me and wouldn't look at me when he spoke. It had been a while and I was getting worried. Diagon Alley isn't very big, and I hadn't seen Remus at all while I was out. It's not safe to be wandering around right now, especially not for people like Remus.

'I went out looking again, but I didn't find him anywhere. I was infuriated. How dare he take off and not let us know where he was? He knew it wasn't safe. He knew we'd worry. I went to the post office and borrowed a quill and parchment from the lady who worked there, planning to write and find out where the fuck he was. But when I put quill to parchment it didn't quite come out that way. I ended up writing him a really nasty letter. I posted it immediately, and regretted it the moment the owl was out of sight.

'I searched around for another hour or so, but after finding no trace of him, I was so frustrated, I punched a stone wall. Not the best idea I've ever had.'

'Lord. Boys. You really are the strangest creatures,' I said, lighting up again.

'You birds always think you're so superiour. You don't know what you're missing with those wee bits you all have,' he replied with a smirk, taking the joint I was offering once more.

'I'll keep my 'wee bits', thanks. At least they don't take over my brain and turn me into a thoughtless, ravening pervert.'

'Is that so? So it couldn't have been you obsessing over James' cock earlier then?' he grinned.

'Shut up about Potter's cock and tell me what happened, you prat.'

'You brought it up,' he laughed, taking a drag off the joint.

'I did not!' I said, indignantly.

He just laughed again. 'Right. Where was I before you went off on a tangent about James' cock? Oh yes, broken hand --

'I went back to the Cauldron, hoping he'd returned in my absence. Although I was sure he wouldn't speak to me anyway, not after reading that letter. What I found when I reached our room was James, packing up Remus' things. I yelled at James, demanding to know where Remus was. He told me he didn't know. Remus had owled and asked him to pack up his things and send them home, that's all. He kept his head down the entire time he was telling me this, continuing with his packing.

'I demanded to know what the letter said, and James sighed deeply. He said, 'He asked me to pack up his stuff, and that he wouldn't be returning here tonight. He said not to worry, he was all right. That's it.'

'But he wrote it to YOU?', I demanded. James just said 'yes', looking away. He's been acting like a right git ever since.'

'Well, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the only thing you can really do is talk to Remus.'

'I'm not bloody starting the conversation! This is NOT MY FAULT! Many other things have been - but not this time!' I could see he was getting flustered and angry again.

'I know, I know! Calm down, all right? I see that it's not your fault; Remus obviously over-reacted. I'll talk to him; try to make him see sense and apologise to you.'

'Oh, he'll LOVE that,' Sirius snorted. 'Like Mr Perfect Prefect Lupin is going to actually admit this was his fault, and that I did absolutely nothing wrong.'

'Well, it's worth a try. Someone has to do SOMETHING, or you prats will sit around moping until we all leave school. And then there'll be no mad uncles to babysit for mine and Potter's spiky-haired, squalling brats, will there?'

'AH-HA! You DO like James!', he yelled triumphantly, smiling at last. Which is, of course, the only reason I said it in the first place. As if I'd let Potter do - that - to me. I shudder at the thought. Well, sort of.

'Just don't you go telling him and spoil the surprise, yeah?', I said, winking.

He laughed at me and told me he wouldn't tell James now anyway, as he's being too much of a git to deserve news that would make him happy. I was vaguely relieved, but still wondering how long it would be until Potter was no longer acting like a git (at least to Black's standards) and would be worthy of the news. That thought makes me a tad nervous. I certainly don't want old fish-face (as I have taken to calling him since the Horrific Incident) trying any harder than he already is, after all. That would be rather frightening.

'You know, you're not so bad after all, Black.'

'Please don't call me 'Black'. Call me anything else: Wanker, Fuckwit, Arsey the Arse-Pirate, just not that. I fucking HATE it -'

'Sure thing - Sirius.'

'Thanks. You're not so bad yourself, Potter - I mean, Evans,' he grinned.

'Eff you!' I yelled jokingly, and he sniggered again.

We parted ways after that. Sirius seemed to be feeling a little bit better. I hope it was due to our talk and not simply the relaxing substance that has permeated his body.

As he left me he murmured, 'Evans, I don't think your weird Muggle marwona did anything for me, but bloody hell I'm peckish!' He wandered away rubbing his belly and muttering about various types of food under his breath. Didn't affect the poor boy in the slightest. Damn useless Muggle marwona.

Tags: lily journal

Prongs,

I'm glad you seem less angry. Not that I don't think you have every reason to be angry or anything; I'm just relieved. I completely understand that you want to keep out of this and I will not bring it up around you in any way, shape or form. I will not even speak his name in your presence unless you bring him up first, okay?

I understand that recent events have left you uncomfortable around me once again, and this time I will pay the closest possible attention to every action I make around you. No more touchy-feely. I completely understand. Sirius is your best friend and I will not do anything that will cause a change in that status. No more cheating. Merlin, did you really have to word it that way? It makes me feel so -- dirty. But I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty on account of Sirius, as he was planning something similar if not worse. But I'm not discussing that with you -- sorry. How quickly I forget.

See you on the train where I shall be keeping my distance and resolutely NOT touching you,

Remus

P.S. You can beat on me if you want to. I mean, I'll just lie there and let you win. I deserve it, after all. Just try not to damage my mouth, because Sirius likes it best.

P.P.S. This has indeed been a very strange summer. I feel closer to you, but not in ways I'm allowed to be. Why does it feel so normal when it's so wrong? I'm glad I haven't been detrimental to your sanity and put you off gay blokes for life.

Tags: remus to james